Category: The Break Up

Fuck You, But, The Kids Need New Shoes

Co-parenting with someone you, well, put it this way. Fuck you.

Alrighty then. Lets just rip the lid off this one and dive right in shall we.

Co-parenting with someone you, well, put it this way. Fuck you.

This word co-parenting usually is used once a couple seperate. However, co-parenting is really something that is to be impressed upon all parents or guardians. Together or not, sometimes we really do not like the other party.

Let me start by sharing an extract from the current legislation printed on the New Zealand’s Ministry Of Justice website.

(c) a child’s care, development, and upbringing should be facilitated by ongoing consultation and co-operation between his or her parents, guardians, and any other person having a role in his or her care under a parenting or guardianship order:


extract from:Section 5: replaced, on 31 March 2014, by section 4 of the Care of Children Amendment Act (No 2) 2013 (2013 No 74).

When we are in times of conflict, it is really easy to decide that you are the one who owns the child. They are mine. Everyone else can seriously just fuck off. I will parent as I choose.

It’s really easy to dismiss the other parent based on the behaviour we have judged to be inappropriate, not good enough and basically labelled them as a ‘bad mum’, or ‘bad dad’. Especially if you have experienced domestic violence coupled with betrayals of other natures.

But let me tell you right now. If you look that child in the eyes, see inside their soul, feel into their hearts and glimpse inside their minds, you would likely come to realise the following

  • My biggest fear is being abandoned by either of you. I need you both
  • I don’t like the way you stop me from seeing my parent because I don’t understand safety. This is your fault.
  • I feel like I am betraying you both and that feeling leaves me in a state of despair
  • I love them. Nothing they do can make me stop. Accept that.
  • I’m sorry you are hurting, it hurts me that you are hurting, but it hurts me when they are hurting too. I hurt for all of us and Im too little to know how to process this.
  • I don’t have hope or faith yet, I don’t know how or when this is going to get better. I need you to make this structured for me.
  • I’m scared to say how I feel in case it upsets you
  • The more you fight, the more I hurt
  • I’m so confused, its like you are getting back together and I feel happy and then boom, you aren’t again. I hate this limbo you make me live in.
  • I need to know when I will see them next. Time is different for me
  • Get support please. I need you to be stable for me. I cant be the parent
  • I don’t want to be a visitor with my parents. I want to belong in both houses
  • Please get up. Please laugh. Please come back to me.
  • I don’t know what I am and am not allowed to repeat. So I just can’t talk.
  • Please let me adjust before trying to make me like the new person and/or the new kids. My world just fell apart, not just yours.

During the times of chaos, our biggest gift in parenting is the connection with our children. When we are connecting with them, seeing into them, feeling them, we are hearing their words without them speaking. And when that lands through the connection, we are able to take a deep breath and take steps that lead towards structure, co-operation and healthy co-parenting.

This is heart based action, and it can never be wrong. The longer we remain in ego based decision making, the longer we are harming ourselves and our children. It is not our right to make up rules about raising children that are against the law. The law, albeit logical, is there to protect our children.

So whats some tips to move yourself from ego to heart and in the meantime protect your family from ego based decisions? Here’s a few to start with

  • If possible, go to a parenting through separation specialist at the first signs of possible separation
  • Seek support from a coach who specialises in self love, parenting or ideally both
  • Make agreements about parenting with yourself when you are in a heart spaced mood. Place this somewhere you can see to hold yourself accountable
  • Put yourself in your child’s shoes as a reminder that this is not easy for them either
  • If there are safety concerns and you can not agree to a solution, seek support. Professional support
  • If speaking with friends is your way of coping, ensure you can do this out of earshot of your child
  • Make your bed every day
  • Set up a structure for your children so they can see when they will see the other parent in advance. If the other party does not have structured times but wishes to be involved, seek support to have this enforced sooner rather than later
  • If you are already involved with another party, keep that as adult business until your child has grieved and transitioned to 2 seperate homes
  • Don’t argue about money. Take what’s offered and find another way to top up your finances.
  • Journal your feelings about the other parent so you can seek to create space to allow peace to enter your thoughts
  • Remind yourself of the fact the other party loves your child. Remember the love they gave them and focus on that rather than the things they are not doing up to standard now.
  • Never cut the other parent off unless professionally advised to by more than one professional. Leave the parenting door open for them.
  • Child support doesn’t buy children. Just because someone doesn’t contribute financially, does not mean they aren’t allowed time.
  • Create a morning ritual with your child, even if its 2 minutes and 1 thing. It creates connection.
  • Cuddle. Be affectionate with your children so when you don’t have the words to say you have the touch
  • Practice empathetic parenting
  • Practise self love

If you have other suggestions I would love to hear the, and like always, if you need support during a time like this contact me for a free chat about your current situation.

(e) a child should continue to have a relationship with both of his or her parents, and that a child’s relationship with his or her family group, whānau, hapū, or iwi should be preserved and strengthened


extract from:Section 5: replaced, on 31 March 2014, by section 4 of the Care of Children Amendment Act (No 2) 2013 (2013 No 74).

10 Tips To Get Out Of Relationship Limbo

Foreword: For the purpose of this article I will define limbo as being a period of more than 2 weeks in a relationship where you live together, 3 weeks where you do not, and 4 weeks for a long distance relationship.

Photo by jim jackson on Pexels.com
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Limbo. Relationship limbo. When you are waiting on the other party to decide if there is a relationship or not. Where you are trying to be patient during a time when you are the most impatient you have ever been.  Nothing feels stable in limbo, because, nothing actually is.

In limbo you may have many mistrusts arise. You may have violence, abuse and major disrespect. Or you may simply have hot and cold emotions. Alot of tears, alot of desperation, promises and desire. Break downs, late night messages and the words ‘we are done’ said over and over.

The sex may improve or it may die off. Our bodies are dying to be savaged and screaming to be held and carressed in love. Our energy is low and our thoughts are of failure and unworthiness. Every night spent together, you wonder, ‘is this the last time?’. One minute you are thinking you could never be with another and the next you are fantasising about the person who gave you a sideways glance at the supermarket the other day.

Either way, in relationship limbo we are sitting in holding cell that feels like a prison and screaming for someone or something to let us out. Tell us what to do, where to aim and how to fix this. We make promises to do better and we take on all the blame. I love you. I cant ever love another. Give us what we want. And give it to us now.

The rollercoaster that comes with limbo is excruciating. The sick feelings, the highs, the lows. The made up thoughts. The derailing. The waiting in line. One minute everything seems fine, just like normal. The next, your sobbing in your bed feeling like your chest is about to explode. Your crying weak at the bottom of the shower while your eyes feel like razor blades. Your yelling at the kids. Your wide awake at 3am. Your dry retching at 6am in the morning.

Yes. That feeling. In hindsight, it is a jail cell we put ourselves in because we don’t believe that life can be better without them. We believe we love them and it is meant to be. This is just a pot hole. We believe it is worth waiting for, fighting for. We do not have the self worth, self love or respect we need to pull ourselves up. Our cup is empty.

I kept myself in relationship limbo for around 18 months. The agony. The pain. The heartache.

Lets cover a few of the action steps that are needed to pull yourself up and out. Onwards. Upward.

Photo by Tasha Kamrowski on Pexels.com

Tip number:

  1. You need to know that this feeling will pass. You will get through this. And the sun will rise again. Hope and faith are the most important thing right now. The bridge, it is not an option. Ask for what you need, from God, the air, the ground, another person,  I don’t care. But ask for what you need.
  2. Time does not heal you. YOU do. Invest in books to feed your mind. How fast and  happier you get will be dependent on the way you use your time and energy.
  3. Get your support team together. Support teams consist of a mind, body and soul specialists.
  4. Start opening up to friends. The friends who care act as good sounding boards. The ones who will listen to you cry, and who will bring you a little black dress and red lipstick. The friends who will put your rubbish out and take your kid to school. The friends who will rant with you when you need it but also sleep on the empty pillow beside you. Be vulnerable.
  5. If you are not in a committed relationship, do not live together and do not have sex. Someone who is worth it will commit to you and have no trouble working out what he wants. Ladies, keep your legs closed and men, keep it in your pants. 
  6. There is no such thing as “I need time”, “Im confused”. Translate those into, ‘Just do you!” A person in love does not need more than a couple of weeks to figure themselves out. Cut the contact for a couple of weeks. Do not be available for someone who is not available. Even if you have kids, 2 weeks is nothing compared to living in limbo for endless weeks.
  7. Get the custody sorted from the outset and have it made legal whilst you are both still amicable. If things change, it is very difficult to know what is your heart and what is your pain. And children do not deserve this confusion.
  8. Stop doing the people and the things you do not love so that you can make way for the things you do  like and love. Purge. Remove from your life all of the things you detest and do only out of obligation. Start saying NO.
  9. Journal your thoughts. Notice what recurring thoughts you have and ask yourself what reward you get from these thoughts. Pay attention to your inner mean voice so you can start to retrain those thoughts with your coach.
  10. Sing love songs to yourself. Do the mirror work. Write down the things you love about yourself. Its time you started to like yourself so you can fall in love with yourself.

 

Photo by Andre Mouton on Pexels.com

Definition of limbo: Stuck in limbo is to be unable to move from one position to another. Limbo is originally a theological term (Catholic) that was the holding place between heaven and hell where the soul resided until judgment. … The phrase “stuck in the limbo“means you or someone else is not progressing for some reason or another.