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Fuck You, But, The Kids Need New Shoes

Co-parenting with someone you, well, put it this way. Fuck you.

Alrighty then. Lets just rip the lid off this one and dive right in shall we.

Co-parenting with someone you, well, put it this way. Fuck you.

This word co-parenting usually is used once a couple seperate. However, co-parenting is really something that is to be impressed upon all parents or guardians. Together or not, sometimes we really do not like the other party.

Let me start by sharing an extract from the current legislation printed on the New Zealand’s Ministry Of Justice website.

(c) a child’s care, development, and upbringing should be facilitated by ongoing consultation and co-operation between his or her parents, guardians, and any other person having a role in his or her care under a parenting or guardianship order:


extract from:Section 5: replaced, on 31 March 2014, by section 4 of the Care of Children Amendment Act (No 2) 2013 (2013 No 74).

When we are in times of conflict, it is really easy to decide that you are the one who owns the child. They are mine. Everyone else can seriously just fuck off. I will parent as I choose.

It’s really easy to dismiss the other parent based on the behaviour we have judged to be inappropriate, not good enough and basically labelled them as a ‘bad mum’, or ‘bad dad’. Especially if you have experienced domestic violence coupled with betrayals of other natures.

But let me tell you right now. If you look that child in the eyes, see inside their soul, feel into their hearts and glimpse inside their minds, you would likely come to realise the following

  • My biggest fear is being abandoned by either of you. I need you both
  • I don’t like the way you stop me from seeing my parent because I don’t understand safety. This is your fault.
  • I feel like I am betraying you both and that feeling leaves me in a state of despair
  • I love them. Nothing they do can make me stop. Accept that.
  • I’m sorry you are hurting, it hurts me that you are hurting, but it hurts me when they are hurting too. I hurt for all of us and Im too little to know how to process this.
  • I don’t have hope or faith yet, I don’t know how or when this is going to get better. I need you to make this structured for me.
  • I’m scared to say how I feel in case it upsets you
  • The more you fight, the more I hurt
  • I’m so confused, its like you are getting back together and I feel happy and then boom, you aren’t again. I hate this limbo you make me live in.
  • I need to know when I will see them next. Time is different for me
  • Get support please. I need you to be stable for me. I cant be the parent
  • I don’t want to be a visitor with my parents. I want to belong in both houses
  • Please get up. Please laugh. Please come back to me.
  • I don’t know what I am and am not allowed to repeat. So I just can’t talk.
  • Please let me adjust before trying to make me like the new person and/or the new kids. My world just fell apart, not just yours.

During the times of chaos, our biggest gift in parenting is the connection with our children. When we are connecting with them, seeing into them, feeling them, we are hearing their words without them speaking. And when that lands through the connection, we are able to take a deep breath and take steps that lead towards structure, co-operation and healthy co-parenting.

This is heart based action, and it can never be wrong. The longer we remain in ego based decision making, the longer we are harming ourselves and our children. It is not our right to make up rules about raising children that are against the law. The law, albeit logical, is there to protect our children.

So whats some tips to move yourself from ego to heart and in the meantime protect your family from ego based decisions? Here’s a few to start with

  • If possible, go to a parenting through separation specialist at the first signs of possible separation
  • Seek support from a coach who specialises in self love, parenting or ideally both
  • Make agreements about parenting with yourself when you are in a heart spaced mood. Place this somewhere you can see to hold yourself accountable
  • Put yourself in your child’s shoes as a reminder that this is not easy for them either
  • If there are safety concerns and you can not agree to a solution, seek support. Professional support
  • If speaking with friends is your way of coping, ensure you can do this out of earshot of your child
  • Make your bed every day
  • Set up a structure for your children so they can see when they will see the other parent in advance. If the other party does not have structured times but wishes to be involved, seek support to have this enforced sooner rather than later
  • If you are already involved with another party, keep that as adult business until your child has grieved and transitioned to 2 seperate homes
  • Don’t argue about money. Take what’s offered and find another way to top up your finances.
  • Journal your feelings about the other parent so you can seek to create space to allow peace to enter your thoughts
  • Remind yourself of the fact the other party loves your child. Remember the love they gave them and focus on that rather than the things they are not doing up to standard now.
  • Never cut the other parent off unless professionally advised to by more than one professional. Leave the parenting door open for them.
  • Child support doesn’t buy children. Just because someone doesn’t contribute financially, does not mean they aren’t allowed time.
  • Create a morning ritual with your child, even if its 2 minutes and 1 thing. It creates connection.
  • Cuddle. Be affectionate with your children so when you don’t have the words to say you have the touch
  • Practice empathetic parenting
  • Practise self love

If you have other suggestions I would love to hear the, and like always, if you need support during a time like this contact me for a free chat about your current situation.

(e) a child should continue to have a relationship with both of his or her parents, and that a child’s relationship with his or her family group, whānau, hapū, or iwi should be preserved and strengthened


extract from:Section 5: replaced, on 31 March 2014, by section 4 of the Care of Children Amendment Act (No 2) 2013 (2013 No 74).

Say Sorry Even If You Don’t Mean It

That is what we should be saying to our children. Or partners. Other humans. When we force an apology from them. ‘Say sorry even if you don’t mean it so you can satisfy my ego and allow me to feel right, and make you wrong!”

Forcing apologies is teaching our children to say what they do not mean in the sake of politeness, diffusing emotions or really, making parents feel comfortable because little Johnny pulled Suzies hair, because Suzie kept trying to make him play with the barbie doll. Johnny!! Say sorry!

I mean, what the fuck did we just teach Suzie? That its ok to try and force someone to do what they don’t want to do, and then, they are made to say sorry because the way they reacted to the situation was physical?

Ideally, Johnny’s feelings about the control would need to be acknowledged, and Suzie’s feelings about the hair pulling would need to be acknowledged. Next Suzie would need to apologise for her behaviour, trying to make Johnny do what he did not want to do. And Johnny would need to apologise for his behaviour, pulling Suzies hair. And then we could move to the logical task of where to from here. The agreements. Problem solving.

Sounds easy huh. That’s a joke, it is not easy! Some days I just want to yell FFS you guys! Quit it already! Maybe, maybe some days I do yell that.

I am no psychologist but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that forcing kids to say what they don’t mean, can take them to be the adult saying sorry for things to shut their wives up. Whilst they continue the behaviour because they did not know how to deal with the control that came from all the little, and big Suzies in the world. And Suzy possibly growing up to feel at fault for anyone that physically assaulted or abused her. Its a delicate area I know.

Conflict in children, this is a huge one that I am not always sure how to deal with. it makes me uncomfortable. Its something I am committed to learning more about, and practising this year. But one thing, I will never force my child to say sorry for something they are not sorry about. I would rather teach her how her behaviour affected someone else. And furthermore, I will never teach her to say sorry for how someone else feels, that would be saying that we have control on another’s feelings. We do not.

So lets teach by showing, the art of apologies about our behaviour only. Never anothers feelings.

Here’s some ways I do encourage apologising for

  • I am sorry for being rude
  • I am sorry for ignoring you
  • I am sorry for raising my voice towards you
  • I am sorry for not considering the effect on you
  • I am sorry for speaking up effectively
  • I am sorry for betraying your confidence in me
  • I am sorry for throwing your toy
  • I am sorry for not having patience with you
  • I am sorry for not looking after your bike
  • I am sorry I did not keep my word

verb: apologise

  1. express regret for something that one has done wrong.”I must apologize for disturbing you like this”synonyms:say sorry, express regret, be apologetic, make an apology, ask forgiveness, beg (someone’s) forgiveness, ask for pardon, beg (someone’s) pardon; informaleat humble pie, eat one’s words

adjectiveadjective: sorry; comparative adjective: sorrier; superlative adjective: sorriest

  1. 1.feeling sad or distressed through sympathy with someone else’s misfortune.”I was sorry to hear about what happened to your family”synonyms:sad, unhappy, sorrowful, distressed, upset, depressed, downcast, miserable, downhearted, disheartened, dejected, down, despondent, despairing, disconsolate, broken-hearted, heartbroken, inconsolable, grief-stricken Moreantonyms:glad, unsympathetic
    • filled with compassion for.”I felt sorry for the poor boys working for him”
  2. 2.feeling regret or penitence.”he said he was sorry he had upset me”synonyms:regretful, remorseful, contrite, repentant, rueful, penitent, conscience-stricken, apologetic, abject, guilty, guilt-ridden, self-reproachful, bad, ashamed, shamefaced, sheepish, in sackcloth and ashes, afraid; rarecompunctious”I’m sorry if I was a bit brusque”

How to Purge, Create Space and Cut ties

The other day I posted a blog about, why purge, clear your space and create space.

Now I will talk about how to do these things.

Well, lets start where we left off. The rotten vegetables, in the fridge. Tainting everything. And the fresh organic vegetables, sitting on the bench. Going rotten.

Its a simple choice that had to be made. A conscious, I choose the organic vegetables over the rotten vegetables. And then, the rotten vegetables are removed from the fridge. See. Simple.

Ahh, but what about when we are not aware that we have rotten vegetables in our auric fields. In our minds and in our lives? How then do we get rid of these?

Basics, we go back to basics.

  1. Journal. This practise in itself highlights to us where we have rotten fruit. Bad habits. Unhelpful thoughts. Recurring negativity. And this gets it our of our head. Being aware means we can now redirect ourselves when we find ourselves speaking or being in a way that takes up space with negativity.
  2. Close loops. This is basically the unclosed tasks that you have still hanging around in your head. Big ones and small ones. Its the things like, hang the washing out. Bake a cake with the kids. Get your hoo hoo waxed. Cut your babies toenails. Take the car to the mechanic for a check up. Ring the lawyers. Get the tooth fixed. Leave you’re mistress. All unclosed loops are taking up space inside our brains, keeping us hanging onto the past and stopping us from moving forward.
  3. Declutter the home. Marie Kondo, now a trend. This process of removing all things that do not bring joy to the touch, is a process of purging in itself. It clears space energetically and physically. Believe in feng shui or not, it works on all levels. Get the book, watch the series and start the process of decluttering. This, is the first step I took far before I even knew that I was purging.
  4. Weed the garden. Clear the rubbish bins. Empty the car out. Put the washing away. Clean the fridge out. Again, this feng shui moves energy around. It takes the stale energy and leaves space for new movement and energy.
  5. Move your body. Yoga, walks, jogs, boxing, swim, dance, it doesn’t matter. Just move your body, it shakes up the stale energies and allows space for new energies to come through.
  6. Cleanse. Sorry, but its a real goodie. Drinking a lot of water flushes toxins. Veggie juices. Bought cleanses, lemon, all the good stuff. Removes the old not so good stuff, and leaves space for the new.

There are plenty of things I could suggest. However, that’s enough for today. If you truly put this into practice, things would start to shift.

I would recommend a coach to walk along side you during this, as when you start to purge, your emotions will come up to be released also. A coach will be the difference between you stuffing it down and collecting more old energy, or releasing it and visualising a new future for yourself.

Week one in my original programme focuses on purging. Send me a message to book you first call where we can discuss what I do, and how that would work for you.

How to get started with journalling

How to begin journalling.

Most of the people around the world who have a calming presence, who seem to be able to tackle the big stuff without faltering, journal.

Your coach, counsellor, friend or therapist may have told you to start journaling.

You see social media articles telling you to journal.

But, you say, how? How do I journal? What do I write?

First of all, let me share with you what I believe journalling is.

Journalling is a process that allows us to get our thoughts on paper, to express the thoughts inside our logical brains which then makes way for feelings to be expressed from our emotional brain. And then, the magical part, our higher wisdom, intuition or higher powers can flow throw onto the paper.

It is a way to receive guidance from ourselves, to ourselves, for ourselves.

So how do you get started as a virgin in journalling? Here’s some ideas to try out

1- Have a glass of water to sip on as you go, for some reason this allows more flow

2 – Start with as little as 5-10 minutes. No phone. Pen and paper and just write.

3 – To prompt the beginning of this, start with a sentences such as

  • Lately, I’ve been thinking alot about…
  • Last night I dreamt that…
  • Parenting is feeling really…
  • Im worried about…
  • I’ve been fantasising alot about…
  • During sex I feel like…
  • I feel the most happy when…
  • This relationship….
  • My family…
  • I’m unsure what to do about…
  • I wish I…

4- Make this a private journal, so that you are not judging what you write. This is between you and your journal. This way you can just flow your truth.

Remember, journaling is not forgiveness letters, or fuck you letters or any specific intentional outcomes. Journalling is a freeflow from your brains, to the paper. To allow space for higher thoughts to flow. Higher ideas to birth.

There is no specific reason when you journal like this.

When the time is right, and with the support you need, you can begin to dive deeper into the inner work. There are other articles around this.

Should you want support or guidance along the way, email or direct message me to discuss coaching packages.

Why Add Music To Your Children’s Morning & Bedtime Rituals

Over the past few months we have implemented a good morning song and a good night song. In fact, when my daughter was a baby, every night I would sing her twinkle twinkle little star with reinvented words.

I note that each night my daughter yawns nearly as soon as I put the song on. And in the morning, she purposefully ramps up her energy to bring to our morning song, most mornings dancing.

So why introduce rituals?

1 – When we add meaning to something such as a song, a smell, a touch we anchor it inside our physiology and spirit. As parents, we can anchor these songs as moments of love with our children for them to remember later in life when they may not have had a great day or night.

2 – It assists us in being more conscious with our child in that moment. We get to connect with them with no technology. We get to cuddle with them or sit with them at night time. Smile and or dance with them in the morning. Whatever we do, we are present in that moment with our child.

3 – If you have more than one child, in the morning, this is a great way to bring the family together as one for a few minutes, nothing else matters.

4 – When either of you hear this song it will instantly remind you of the moments you share and release feel good endorphins.

5- It shows our kids that they are important. That we cherish stolen moments with them. That they matter.

6- It marks the beginning of the day, and the end of the day in a fun and special way.

7- Structure and routine provides emotional stability for children.

I would love to hear from you, what song will you use in the morning to start the day, and what will your night time song be?