Category: Parenting

Fuck You, But, The Kids Need New Shoes

Co-parenting with someone you, well, put it this way. Fuck you.

Alrighty then. Lets just rip the lid off this one and dive right in shall we.

Co-parenting with someone you, well, put it this way. Fuck you.

This word co-parenting usually is used once a couple seperate. However, co-parenting is really something that is to be impressed upon all parents or guardians. Together or not, sometimes we really do not like the other party.

Let me start by sharing an extract from the current legislation printed on the New Zealand’s Ministry Of Justice website.

(c) a child’s care, development, and upbringing should be facilitated by ongoing consultation and co-operation between his or her parents, guardians, and any other person having a role in his or her care under a parenting or guardianship order:


extract from:Section 5: replaced, on 31 March 2014, by section 4 of the Care of Children Amendment Act (No 2) 2013 (2013 No 74).

When we are in times of conflict, it is really easy to decide that you are the one who owns the child. They are mine. Everyone else can seriously just fuck off. I will parent as I choose.

It’s really easy to dismiss the other parent based on the behaviour we have judged to be inappropriate, not good enough and basically labelled them as a ‘bad mum’, or ‘bad dad’. Especially if you have experienced domestic violence coupled with betrayals of other natures.

But let me tell you right now. If you look that child in the eyes, see inside their soul, feel into their hearts and glimpse inside their minds, you would likely come to realise the following

  • My biggest fear is being abandoned by either of you. I need you both
  • I don’t like the way you stop me from seeing my parent because I don’t understand safety. This is your fault.
  • I feel like I am betraying you both and that feeling leaves me in a state of despair
  • I love them. Nothing they do can make me stop. Accept that.
  • I’m sorry you are hurting, it hurts me that you are hurting, but it hurts me when they are hurting too. I hurt for all of us and Im too little to know how to process this.
  • I don’t have hope or faith yet, I don’t know how or when this is going to get better. I need you to make this structured for me.
  • I’m scared to say how I feel in case it upsets you
  • The more you fight, the more I hurt
  • I’m so confused, its like you are getting back together and I feel happy and then boom, you aren’t again. I hate this limbo you make me live in.
  • I need to know when I will see them next. Time is different for me
  • Get support please. I need you to be stable for me. I cant be the parent
  • I don’t want to be a visitor with my parents. I want to belong in both houses
  • Please get up. Please laugh. Please come back to me.
  • I don’t know what I am and am not allowed to repeat. So I just can’t talk.
  • Please let me adjust before trying to make me like the new person and/or the new kids. My world just fell apart, not just yours.

During the times of chaos, our biggest gift in parenting is the connection with our children. When we are connecting with them, seeing into them, feeling them, we are hearing their words without them speaking. And when that lands through the connection, we are able to take a deep breath and take steps that lead towards structure, co-operation and healthy co-parenting.

This is heart based action, and it can never be wrong. The longer we remain in ego based decision making, the longer we are harming ourselves and our children. It is not our right to make up rules about raising children that are against the law. The law, albeit logical, is there to protect our children.

So whats some tips to move yourself from ego to heart and in the meantime protect your family from ego based decisions? Here’s a few to start with

  • If possible, go to a parenting through separation specialist at the first signs of possible separation
  • Seek support from a coach who specialises in self love, parenting or ideally both
  • Make agreements about parenting with yourself when you are in a heart spaced mood. Place this somewhere you can see to hold yourself accountable
  • Put yourself in your child’s shoes as a reminder that this is not easy for them either
  • If there are safety concerns and you can not agree to a solution, seek support. Professional support
  • If speaking with friends is your way of coping, ensure you can do this out of earshot of your child
  • Make your bed every day
  • Set up a structure for your children so they can see when they will see the other parent in advance. If the other party does not have structured times but wishes to be involved, seek support to have this enforced sooner rather than later
  • If you are already involved with another party, keep that as adult business until your child has grieved and transitioned to 2 seperate homes
  • Don’t argue about money. Take what’s offered and find another way to top up your finances.
  • Journal your feelings about the other parent so you can seek to create space to allow peace to enter your thoughts
  • Remind yourself of the fact the other party loves your child. Remember the love they gave them and focus on that rather than the things they are not doing up to standard now.
  • Never cut the other parent off unless professionally advised to by more than one professional. Leave the parenting door open for them.
  • Child support doesn’t buy children. Just because someone doesn’t contribute financially, does not mean they aren’t allowed time.
  • Create a morning ritual with your child, even if its 2 minutes and 1 thing. It creates connection.
  • Cuddle. Be affectionate with your children so when you don’t have the words to say you have the touch
  • Practice empathetic parenting
  • Practise self love

If you have other suggestions I would love to hear the, and like always, if you need support during a time like this contact me for a free chat about your current situation.

(e) a child should continue to have a relationship with both of his or her parents, and that a child’s relationship with his or her family group, whānau, hapū, or iwi should be preserved and strengthened


extract from:Section 5: replaced, on 31 March 2014, by section 4 of the Care of Children Amendment Act (No 2) 2013 (2013 No 74).

Why Add Music To Your Children’s Morning & Bedtime Rituals

Over the past few months we have implemented a good morning song and a good night song. In fact, when my daughter was a baby, every night I would sing her twinkle twinkle little star with reinvented words.

I note that each night my daughter yawns nearly as soon as I put the song on. And in the morning, she purposefully ramps up her energy to bring to our morning song, most mornings dancing.

So why introduce rituals?

1 – When we add meaning to something such as a song, a smell, a touch we anchor it inside our physiology and spirit. As parents, we can anchor these songs as moments of love with our children for them to remember later in life when they may not have had a great day or night.

2 – It assists us in being more conscious with our child in that moment. We get to connect with them with no technology. We get to cuddle with them or sit with them at night time. Smile and or dance with them in the morning. Whatever we do, we are present in that moment with our child.

3 – If you have more than one child, in the morning, this is a great way to bring the family together as one for a few minutes, nothing else matters.

4 – When either of you hear this song it will instantly remind you of the moments you share and release feel good endorphins.

5- It shows our kids that they are important. That we cherish stolen moments with them. That they matter.

6- It marks the beginning of the day, and the end of the day in a fun and special way.

7- Structure and routine provides emotional stability for children.

I would love to hear from you, what song will you use in the morning to start the day, and what will your night time song be?

Fathers Day 2018

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How good are we at making sentimental and meaningful days mean something sad and negative for ourselves and those around us.

And for what reason? So that we can express the hurt we have attached to a day that is meant to be for celebrating something amazing.

Fathers day.

“The Father’s Day is celebrated across the world with the objective of realising and honouring the contribution of fathers in the society. It is a day which celebrates the fatherhood, paternal bonds and the efforts of male parents towards their family and society.”

A simple fact. There would be no humans on the planet if not for fathers.

Lets celebrate

  1. Without the male sperm we would not have any children
  2. Any person who has a great influence on your child, had a father
  3. Showing children to look at the good side and find a reason to always celebrate teaches them forgiveness and to express love
  4. If your father, or child’s father even spent 5 minutes in your child’s life, you can celebrate that

Its all perspective. Look for the good in the situation and celebrate the great fathers that surround you. That contribute to our society. That are influencing the children of today’s day to be who they are now. The fathers that came before us. And the fathers that will come after us.

“If the scientific study of fatherhood has taught us one thing, it’s that there are data-driven, biological, and psychological reasons why kids seem to do better with dads.”

The Science of Dad and the ‘Father Effect’

 

Providing A Safe Space To Talk

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How do you know it’s working?

This empathetic conscious confident parenting thing?

Well here’s an example. Last Friday night I wanted to whip out for a couple of hours and leave Addison with a friend. No problem right. Shes 7.

Well when we arrived she got clingy. And then she told me she didn’t want to stay the night and wanted me to come back for her. At like 10pm. Bedtime is 8pm.

So first of all I did the impatient I want to go out, stop this, its silly, non conscious parenting reaction: “don’t be silly you can’t come and its far to late go to sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Then she shared her feelings through tears. “I feel like you’re kicking me out of the house” (Context behind this, she has a lot going on with not seeing her dad at the moment and him moving out of our family home etc)

Then conscience parenting reaction: “you feel like I’m kicking you out of the house?” (paraphrase), oh my darling they must be scary!’ (Validation)Tears stopped and in a small voice, “Yes mummy can’t you come back for me please?” 

I empathized with her and made a conscious choice based on an informed snapshot of her life that yes, yes I can pick you up and drag your heavy arse home and carry you in the house with one arm trying not to drop you.

So how do we know its working?

  1. It’s working because she felt safe enough to share her fear and feelings with me
  2. Its working because I felt patience and intention to understand her
  3. Its working because we both got what we needed
  4. It’s working because I’m being aware.. Aware that she has these big feelings and I must accommodate for them.. But not at the expense of my boundaries
  5. It’s working because I feel confident that I am connected, aware and intuitively guided to know how to guide her through this transition of her life.

Oh and in hindsight, she spent most that night whimpering in her dreams and she woke with a huge fever. Looks like it pays to listen.

Its working. Trust me. And if its not, reassess what you are doing. xo

 

Love Is An Action Not A Word

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Love? What is love? Love is an action not a word.

  • Love is conscious
  • Love is running through a supermarket for cough medicine and consciously choosing to get flowers too.. Strawberries.. Chocolate. 🌸
  • Love is not self sacrificing and having an expectation of return. It is not a desire to win nor social media photos.. It is unconditional and given freely. 🤗
  • Love is choosing to get what suits that person because you have paid attention to what makes them feel loved
  • Love is doing what you say you will do and doing it with a warm fuzzy feeling
  • Love is intentional actions

I love love. What is love to you?

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